You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
