you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
