tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
