My cat gives me a boner
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
