Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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