Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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