Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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