guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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