I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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