I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
