When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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