so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
