Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
