last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
