i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
