My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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