wanna go halves on a baby?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
