Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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