Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
