just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
