did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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