my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
