I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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