I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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