I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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