Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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