Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
