You don't have asthma, your pregnant
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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