I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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