apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
