I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
