Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Pooping to opera.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
