Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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