Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
