Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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