and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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