i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
