Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I puked a lego.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
