I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
