Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
