please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
