Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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