He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
