'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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