I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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