I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
