Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
