it's too hot outside to masturbate.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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