Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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