Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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