the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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