A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
