ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
