Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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