he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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