I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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